If You Wanna Find Hell With Me

Mother's Day is around the corner. Usually, I think this holiday is bullshit and annoying for a couple of reasons. One, my Mom's birthday is also in May (the day after mine—take that, God's Gift Achiuwa!) so you get jammed up with presents in a short period of time and two, it's bullshit.

This year is a little different for me, though. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mastectomy last August. She's finished up chemo and is starting radiation soon and seems to be well on her way to the full recovery that every person I know predicted because they knew someone who "went through the same thing and it was a tough year but blah blah blah."

So I've been a bit pensive recently and it made me think of one of the most mortifying (at the time) and seriously awesome and hilarious (in hindsight) moments of my life.

Back in grammar school (elementary school, whatever), I was not the coolest dude on the planet. I was a wimpy little kid in new balances, high socks and even higher shorts. I tried my damnedest to be cool though. I started doing that thing where you rolled up your jeans and tucked them into your socks and everything. I didn't get the Jordan III's, but I had the Hare Jordan's. You get the picture.

Anyway, so I was smaller than a lot of people in school and not very confident so I got picked on. I wasn't really bothered by it other than that it was just a monumental pain in the ass. So, this one time I have my bootleg skateboard with straight up plastic wheels, side rails and tail guard and I was skating with my neighbor at school, even though he had a half pipe at his house. Guess we were cruising for chicks.

While we were there, my Bully showed up, also skating, and was really giving me a hard time. Unfortunately for him, however, my Mom was picking me up. Unawares to me, she must have seen the roughhousing or teasing or whatever (honestly I forget what actually happened because of the striking nature of what followed it).

So, having presumably seen the bullying, she walks up to us, rips my Bully's skateboard out of his hands and, I swear to fucking god, Bo Jackson'd it. She snapped that thing right over her knee like it was balsa wood. I was completely dumbstruck. So was everyone else. Jaws hit the pavement. I was so pissed off. In that moment, I saw all the "needs mommy to fight his battles for him, what a wussy" taunts that were sure to follow. And honestly, they probably did but I can't remember them. Because, holy shit, she owned that kid.

Looking back, it's one of the coolest things I can remember. Without saying a word she said "Fuck off, you insignificant shit. Nobody messes with my kid." It is legend in my family now and, who knows, maybe his, too.

It's unfortunate that there is no reciprocal move I can do for her now, but I guess that's what makes Moms great. They apparently don't need it. Happy (early) Mother's Day.