s/t Project Excerpts

So, in an effort to force myself to continue writing this here blog and "my screenplay," I will be posting excerpts here every once in a while. It will be like how they used to do it back in the day with Dickens' novels but much, much classier.

Try to enjoy.

This is the Big One, Mets Fans!

This is what you've all been waiting for. You, too, can have your own lunatic owner with a bunch of cash, questionable fashion taste and a yen for firing the shit out of people.

Big Stein. The Donald. It all just makes sense. Say what you want about Steinbrenner, the guy poured boatloads [deadpan] of cash into the Yankees until they were The Greatest Sports Franchise In The History of History.

Fittingly, for the Mets, The Donald is like Big Stein, Jr. Or, Lil' Stein, or Mini Stein, Bankin Stein, whatevs. He's the cheesy Steinbrenner. But! He's got the cash and the "Fuck You" attitude that George was notorious for.

Trump would come in, fire these empty shirts Alderson and Manager Whatshisface and get the Mets back to glory! While the Yankees are being classy and a First Rate Organization, the Mets can be out on the streets making some weirdo sales pitch to fans for Ralph Lauren Polo or Will. I .Am or something. The battle for New York has only just begun Mets fans. Take it back - with a vengeance.

The Donald will absolutely clean house in the locker room, too. Oliver Perez: Ya Fired. John Maine: Fired. Jason Isringhausen: Deja Vu All Over Again Ya Fired. And, of course, Luis Castillo. When he bounces Castillo he will most certainly let him know that not only would Omarosa have made that catch on the A-Rod pop up, but she would have crushed his skull mid-cunilingus induced orgasm immediately thereafter.

We Believe!

What To Do With Joba Chamberlain

At one time, this was the most oft-debated question surrounding the Yankees. Now, it seems everyone is resigned to Joba coming out of the bullpen, in what seems like the 7th inning role.

Conventional wisdom notwithstanding, I propose we re-open the debate. Cold Case style!*

The "Joba Rules" are now legendary.  God bless the media for coming up with a retarded way to say "innings limit." Not surprisingly, this is where the wheels fell of the wagon for Joba.

Joba first burst onto the scene like a simile for things bursting. People lost their minds as he fist pumped his way to stardom while being proclaimed the heir apparent to Mariano Rivera. All along however, people who knew what they were talking about (you know, the people who don't rely on Mike fucking Francessa for their news) knew that Joba was a starter his entire career prior to being called up to fill a specific need at the end of the year.

He was awesome and electrifying, there is no doubt. It was ultimately his downfall, however. The media latched on to the idea of Joba as a dominant reliever. It became "stupid" and a "waste" to have him as a starter. Not every player has the "mindset" to pitch late in the game, they all said, and look how dominant he is!  We know he can relieve, we haven't seen him start!!

Despite the clamoring, the Yankees continued to say he was a starter and continued to treat him as such as they enforced the Joba Rules.

Then things happened. An injury. A young pitcher struggled. Shockingly, Joba was not as dominant as he was before. It's almost as if there was a random, small collection of information that people decided to foolishly project an entire career from. Disappointment abounded.

Then the Yankees got CC Sabbathia and AJ Burnett. The starting rotation was pretty set and Joba and Phil Hughes battled for the last spot. Phil won. Joba has since been up and down in the bullpen. Brian Cashman says a shoulder injury has affected him. The media say his head is "screwed up" because of the Joba Rules and being yanked around between starter and bullpen guy.

What do I say? I say the bullpen is a wasteland. Mistakes and heroics are magnified. While a starting pitcher has the opportunity to work himself into and out of trouble, relievers generally either work themselves into trouble and are pulled, or work out of someone else's jam.

Remember Kyle Farnsworth? I guarantee you Cashman was pissed about the Soriano signing because of Kyle Farnsworth. He was the best reliever on the market the year he signed with the Yankees. He was, generally, garbage for the Yankees. That's the deal with relievers. Feast and famine. Mostly because of luck. Mariano Rivera is Mariano Rivera because he is the only one who does not fit this mold. It is not normal. That's why he is special.

So, my theory is this: Joba is still Joba. He was scouted and drafted as a starting pitcher. He was rated as having four "plus pitches." That is pretty spectacular. As a reliever he uses maybe two of those pitches. The season, like an individual game, is a marathon for starters. Joba never really got a chance to work himself out of the trouble he got himself into. He floundered, got hurt and then came back as a reliever—again to fill a need.

The Yankees rotation is kind of a mess this year, while the bullpen is pretty solid. The seventh inning role is not a necessity. In fact, if you have a really good 7th inning guy, it probably means you have terrible starters. With Soriano Rivera (nice, right?) the 8th and 9th innings are locked up, so Joba would be at least the 7th inning guy.

Just like Joba was the odd man out of the rotation, he is the odd man out of the bullpen. So, it stands to reason that he should go back to the starting rotation. To fill a specific need. He won't have any innings limits or anything else to worry about. Just go out and pitch once a week at the back end of the rotation against the other teams scrub. With this offense there's no reason to think he can't get a few early wins, trick everyone into thinking he's "back" and go about his business.

Did Cashman really bring in Freddy Garcia and Bartolo Colon as legitimate contenders for a starting spot? Maybe he is trying to generate some competition for the obvious solution sitting in our bullpen. It just makes too much sense. That's probably why no one is talking about Joba as a starter anymore.

*No idea - just go with it.

Go Out and Get Hammered and Smoke A Million Cigarettes With Your College Buddies Day

I'm usually not that cynical. I am a huge sap when it comes to Christmas and get all into the "mystery" of Santa. It's a wonderful excuse to act like a decent human being for a month. Plus, christmas trees smell awesome.

What I'm trying to say is: I can get down with holidays. Valentine's day, though, is a piece of shit.  No one holiday, or important date/anniversary, whatever, puts the onus on one person. Except Valentine's day. You don't see V-Day adverts with women running around like dickheads trying to find a card for their husbands.  Or a woman walking around best buy looking to buy her husband a sweet 3D HDTV, or trying to make last minute reservations at his favorite steakhouse. Nope.

You do see ads with hopeless idiots being sold jewelry at insane mark ups or running into the Hallmark store to pick up a card and some chocolates so he can come home and get a hug and a kiss. Awwww!  Well, where the fuck is his present? Dinner? Sex? Offspring? Bullshit. Those are the costs of doing business when you get married.

No, Valentines Day is created to capitalize on the stereotype of "men are forgetful and don't appreciate what they have." It's as if someone were to create a holiday about reading books out of a bud light commercial where all men are dumb and like to drink beer.

It's not about showing your significant other that you love them. It's about guilting men into buying shit.  Even the other individual holidays - Mothers Day and Fathers Day - at least they account for both parents. And the excuse you got whenever you complained about "how come there isn't a Kid's day" - "because every other day is Kid's day" is kinda true. I mean, parents bust their humps to feed, clothe and entertain their kids. Their schedules get shot to shit because Johnny has karate practice or something.

But Valentine's Day, again, doesn't fall under this rubric, either. "Every other day" is not "[male counterpart's] day." For one, you're in a relationship, it should be a two way street. And two, dudes sacrifice a lot of shit to be with their ladies. I used to watch every single Yankees game in a season in full. Now I only watch like 130 games. Seriously.

 Not to say that the ladies don't also make sacrifices (lets be honest, they could always be with someone better than you), but there should at least be a male equivalent to Valentine's Day.

Transitions

Well, that's it for football. Now it's just regular season hockey and pro and college basketball. Three things that are certainly not watered down and essentially pointless.


Seriously, though, February sucks. Not news. Were I my younger self, I would spend this time boning up on College basketball so that I could make a serious run come bracket time. Now, I'll just pretend I am better than those women at your office who pick teams based on mascots.

Really, though, I'm only slightly better: "hmm Georgia Tech...they were pretty good at one time. Jarad Jack or something...12 seed*...upset city!" I'll do that probably 15+ times in my bracket now.

What I am (secretly) excited for is the prospect of still being unemployed come tournament time. I am not, as of yet unemployed, but as soon as they find my replacement-it's out on your assville for me. Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. I willingly quit and think it is for the best.

Anyway, back to the "tourney" (oooh gotta remember that one). There is nothing better than those opening Thursday and Friday days of games. I'm pretty sure Gus Johnson has to be medically cleared to call games each day. So, in the shittiness of the uncertainty of "where will I get money from," it will be a nice opportunity to shut my brain off.

After that, it's baseball. Also with that comes warmer weather and outdoor drinking. Ok look, I know I just said that there is nothing better than the opening days of the NCAA tournament, but I changed my mind. There is nothing better than outdoor drinking. Whether you are outside at a bar that has a patio, or just at a party somewhere, its always a good time.

Baseball is the perfect sport for this, too. Its slow enough (read: poetic) that it allows you to people watch, play beer pong/whatever drinking game you enjoy or just chit chat, while drinking of course, and not really miss a whole lot. You can't exactly sit outside at a bar and keep tabs on a football game inside, you know? Totally acceptable for baseball.

So, life goes on. Football came and went. The Winter Warlock shit about 500 feet of snow on us, but soon baseball and spring will wash it away along the malaise of a winter without meaningful sporting events. Then come summer, I can bust out my new blue blockers. Or HD sunglasses. It's like you're really there!!

*It's possible they are better than a 12 seed. It's also possible that they won't even qualify. I have no idea. Just illustrative of the point, really.

And We're Baaaaaack

OK. Jesus, I am pathetic. This is reboot No. 3, I believe.

As a person who loves symmetry, I come back to you following another "break" in employment. Unlike the events leading to the formation of this "blog," this time it is self-imposed.

I think we can categorize the Attorney experiment as a failed one. While potentially a little harsh, I certainly hate being a litigator. So, I quit. Surprisingly the decision was met largely with envy amongst my attorney peers. My wife on the other hand?

I may continue working in the legal field, I may do something else entirely. Who knows. The world is my oyster.

One thing is for sure: I am going to write that damned movie. I resolved in August to go full force at it, and, well, I've got a few pages and many, many more notes. It's a start, I keep telling myself. I also keep telling myself this: make a fucking effort to write here, dick.

I've tried playing good cop with myself, but it appears I need tough love. So, the kids gloves are coming off and reality is back with a vengeance-kicking ass, taking names, using foul language and generally just being a big jerk.

It's a pretty drastic thing that I have done and I need to make sure I take full advantage of the freedom I have forcibly taken. It is definitely a great feeling to know that I won't be working this job for much longer.

However, it's also terrifying because of rent, student loans etc. Further freaking me out? The sheer number of things I can do. While I have come to terms with Law probably being the wrong field., the 800 lb gorilla in the room asks: well, what's the right field, genius?

Good question, fatso! I don't know. Maybe I could be a laborer? I'd be outside, enjoying nature and all that fun stuff. Or, maybe I could be a teacher. Sweet schedule, inspiring movies starring Edward James Olmos about me. It's tempting.  Also, I do think I would like to be paid to write. I have no idea how to go about doing that, though.

My only fear in all this is that I get sucked into another shit field/career/profession because of financial concerns.

I also want to avoid falling into the obvious insecurity and fear of failure/judgment defense mechanism of just never trying anything.

So, it is settled: The other door has opened and I'm going to (try to) walk through it. For reals.

Also, keep writing dick.