Thursday, January 17, 2013
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Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Saturday, August 6, 2011
It's When You Know You're Licked Before You Begin But You Begin Anyway And You See It Through No Matter What
I'm not trying to turn this into a book club or anything, but I've been reading and it gets me to thinking. Right now, I am in the middle of a revival of sorts. For years it was a summer tradition to read To Kill a Mockingbird. A few years ago, I must have gotten out of the habit but, thankfully, I picked it back up this summer.
For Scout, "Summer was Dill." For me, summer was Dill, Scout, Jem, Boo Radley, Calpurnia, Ms. Maudie Atkinson, Tom Robinson, Bob Ewell and Atticus. For a kid born and raised in New York in the 80's, man did I want to be running around the dusty roads of Maycomb County. As I grew older, my focus switched from the kids to the adults. As it always does. I remember reading, and loving, the early parts where the kids were finding new and ridiculous ways to interact with Boo Radley and lamenting how boring the trial portion was.
I was on the subway yesterday and almost missed my stop because I was just about to get to my favorite part, the very end of the trial when Reverend Sykes tells Scout to get up, because her Daddy was passin.' I am now thirty years old.
As I make a major transition in my life, I often wonder why, exactly, did I decide to go to Law School? Before I even stepped foot on a college campus "I knew" I wanted to go to Law School. The obvious answer is that my father went to law school late in life (probably around the time I was Jem Finch's age, actually), and I admired him exceedingly. Fathers and sons. It's what we do, I suppose. He tells a story about when I was younger and we were out for a walk, he further ahead of me, and he turned around and started walking backwards to keep an eye on me. I turned around and started walking backwards, too.
The other, not-so-obvious-to-me-at-this-point-in-my-life reason was Atticus Finch. I'm willing to admit that at one point when I read the book I thought, yes I want to be a lawyer like Atticus Finch. I don't remember that internal discussion, but I'm comfortable saying it probably happened. The reason for this comfort is that I wanted to be a public defender. I wanted to provide a service to the Tom Robinson's of the world. I felt, and still do feel, that everyone is entitled to a defense no matter how guilty they are, or appear to be.
These values were instilled in me by my family, and a fictional character.
I am no longer an attorney. After several years toiling away in a career and jobs, where, not only did I not provide a service to the Tom Robinson's of the world, but often times impeded their attempts at justice, I gave up. I did not see it through no matter what. It makes me sad to think about, really. For the longest time I wanted it. To come to the realization that you were wrong, or that you no longer want it is just sad. It's as if I lost a dear friend; A piece of me. It also makes me angry sometimes, for a number of reasons. Angry that I felt compelled to take jobs I didn't want for financial reasons. But mostly angry at myself for giving up.
Am I a coward? The line that precedes that quote is "I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand." Did I give up because I didn't have the courage to see it through, no matter what? Or did I simply realize the practice of law was not for me? I guess it's all a matter of perspective. Maybe I am seeing my happiness through, no matter what and thus what I did was the very essence of what Atticus described to Jem as "courage." Whatever the perspective, I know its not time to worry yet.
When I started, I noted how I had not read To Kill a Mockingbird as part of my summer tradition for some time. And now I realize, I had not read it for the entirety of my career as an Attorney. It stayed on the bookshelf collecting dust all those summers, until this one. My first since leaving the profession.
For Scout, "Summer was Dill." For me, summer was Dill, Scout, Jem, Boo Radley, Calpurnia, Ms. Maudie Atkinson, Tom Robinson, Bob Ewell and Atticus. For a kid born and raised in New York in the 80's, man did I want to be running around the dusty roads of Maycomb County. As I grew older, my focus switched from the kids to the adults. As it always does. I remember reading, and loving, the early parts where the kids were finding new and ridiculous ways to interact with Boo Radley and lamenting how boring the trial portion was.
I was on the subway yesterday and almost missed my stop because I was just about to get to my favorite part, the very end of the trial when Reverend Sykes tells Scout to get up, because her Daddy was passin.' I am now thirty years old.
As I make a major transition in my life, I often wonder why, exactly, did I decide to go to Law School? Before I even stepped foot on a college campus "I knew" I wanted to go to Law School. The obvious answer is that my father went to law school late in life (probably around the time I was Jem Finch's age, actually), and I admired him exceedingly. Fathers and sons. It's what we do, I suppose. He tells a story about when I was younger and we were out for a walk, he further ahead of me, and he turned around and started walking backwards to keep an eye on me. I turned around and started walking backwards, too.
The other, not-so-obvious-to-me-at-this-point-in-my-life reason was Atticus Finch. I'm willing to admit that at one point when I read the book I thought, yes I want to be a lawyer like Atticus Finch. I don't remember that internal discussion, but I'm comfortable saying it probably happened. The reason for this comfort is that I wanted to be a public defender. I wanted to provide a service to the Tom Robinson's of the world. I felt, and still do feel, that everyone is entitled to a defense no matter how guilty they are, or appear to be.
These values were instilled in me by my family, and a fictional character.
I am no longer an attorney. After several years toiling away in a career and jobs, where, not only did I not provide a service to the Tom Robinson's of the world, but often times impeded their attempts at justice, I gave up. I did not see it through no matter what. It makes me sad to think about, really. For the longest time I wanted it. To come to the realization that you were wrong, or that you no longer want it is just sad. It's as if I lost a dear friend; A piece of me. It also makes me angry sometimes, for a number of reasons. Angry that I felt compelled to take jobs I didn't want for financial reasons. But mostly angry at myself for giving up.
Am I a coward? The line that precedes that quote is "I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand." Did I give up because I didn't have the courage to see it through, no matter what? Or did I simply realize the practice of law was not for me? I guess it's all a matter of perspective. Maybe I am seeing my happiness through, no matter what and thus what I did was the very essence of what Atticus described to Jem as "courage." Whatever the perspective, I know its not time to worry yet.
When I started, I noted how I had not read To Kill a Mockingbird as part of my summer tradition for some time. And now I realize, I had not read it for the entirety of my career as an Attorney. It stayed on the bookshelf collecting dust all those summers, until this one. My first since leaving the profession.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Boehner Jams
As I sat watching our President essentially beg our other elected officials not to let our Country go into default I had two thoughts: 1.) What the Christ happened to the Mighty USA and, 2.) I'll tell you exactly what happened to the Mighty USA.
My generation is a complete mess. The Country's most important resource - a young, educated and ambitious workforce - is utterly fucked. After going to college and law school, I owe the federal government and private lenders somewhere around $190,000. Now, granted, I voluntarily signed each and every loan application but college is the new high school. If you want any kind of decent job, you have to go. It stands to reason then, that graduate schools are the new college. If you want to be successful, that's what you do.
Unfortunately, college is not free like, say, public high school was for our parents (taxes aside), and graduate schools are definitely not free. So, Mr. Clean-cut Young and Excited High School Senior, you want to go far? Just sign right here.
Fast-forward to present day, and you have an entire economic demographic struggling to make ends meet as it works crazy ass jobs, lives in expensive cities, pays off its student loans and, you know, eat and drink and stuff. Take me, as a for instance. Before I pay rent each month, I pay approximately $1,000 to citibank. A month. I can't remember the last time I bought a new record. Or shirt. Or movie.
I can't even afford a shitty certified pre-owned car, let alone a new one. And forget about home ownership. It's not happening any time soon. This is why we're fucked. No one is buying anything. They're just paying for shit they already have. I have two friends who own homes. One is a successful dude in finance and the other lives in Texas, so that doesn't count. That's it. By the time my parents and all their friends were my age, they owned a house and had at least one child. We are so far behind the eight ball, and such a big piece of the traditional consumer pie that it's screwing everything up.
So, rather than posture on my television about nonsense, why not take an actual look at what is happening and offer actual solutions. Spending cuts, tax breaks and whatever other buzzwords you're talking about are just smoke and mirrors. You have a huge base of potential consumers for anything they can possibly imagine, but we are suffocating under the weight of having to educate ourselves. Its an untenable situation. The cost keeps rising, but no one is better educated or better compensated for it.
I don't want my debt forgiven, but just acknowledge the fact that I am screwed from here til Tuesday and talk to me about fixing that. Don't tell me that you've got news for me, Mr. Boehner. I've got fucking news for you.
My generation is a complete mess. The Country's most important resource - a young, educated and ambitious workforce - is utterly fucked. After going to college and law school, I owe the federal government and private lenders somewhere around $190,000. Now, granted, I voluntarily signed each and every loan application but college is the new high school. If you want any kind of decent job, you have to go. It stands to reason then, that graduate schools are the new college. If you want to be successful, that's what you do.
Unfortunately, college is not free like, say, public high school was for our parents (taxes aside), and graduate schools are definitely not free. So, Mr. Clean-cut Young and Excited High School Senior, you want to go far? Just sign right here.
Fast-forward to present day, and you have an entire economic demographic struggling to make ends meet as it works crazy ass jobs, lives in expensive cities, pays off its student loans and, you know, eat and drink and stuff. Take me, as a for instance. Before I pay rent each month, I pay approximately $1,000 to citibank. A month. I can't remember the last time I bought a new record. Or shirt. Or movie.
I can't even afford a shitty certified pre-owned car, let alone a new one. And forget about home ownership. It's not happening any time soon. This is why we're fucked. No one is buying anything. They're just paying for shit they already have. I have two friends who own homes. One is a successful dude in finance and the other lives in Texas, so that doesn't count. That's it. By the time my parents and all their friends were my age, they owned a house and had at least one child. We are so far behind the eight ball, and such a big piece of the traditional consumer pie that it's screwing everything up.
So, rather than posture on my television about nonsense, why not take an actual look at what is happening and offer actual solutions. Spending cuts, tax breaks and whatever other buzzwords you're talking about are just smoke and mirrors. You have a huge base of potential consumers for anything they can possibly imagine, but we are suffocating under the weight of having to educate ourselves. Its an untenable situation. The cost keeps rising, but no one is better educated or better compensated for it.
I don't want my debt forgiven, but just acknowledge the fact that I am screwed from here til Tuesday and talk to me about fixing that. Don't tell me that you've got news for me, Mr. Boehner. I've got fucking news for you.
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